Butchery: A Treatise on the Philosophy of Killfloor
Filed under: Misc.

What has it been? Two months since our last post? Two months? Is that conscionable? If there is a sure-fire method to build up a readership and promptly lose it that would be it. To discontinue all communication and initiate a heinous delay. Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting.

Or is it?

No, it isn’t. It’s not disgusting at all. We knew exactly what we were doing; we saved this site from itself. As cryptically vapid as that statement may seem it bears with it a stern honesty. You must understand what this site is to begin with. Yes, it’s a fucking blog. We find this fact as disturbing as you do, trust us. We knew blogs were done for as soon as the (wholly stupid) term “blog” was coined. But let us not forget why blogs became so popular in the first place; they can be infinitely useful. But what fun is it to read them? You often get the sense that you aren’t participating in a useful activity at all: not only unconstructive but downright detrimental. Who cares what anybody thinks about anything? We can see through that thin digital veneer. Underneath those hackneyed quips and vainglorious banter is just some schmoe who has nothing to say but wants to feel like he’s contributing something. What a crock. But “infinitely useful”? Yeah, thats what we aim for. The whole purpose of this site is to serve the reader, not its irritating, misguided author. It’s pretty simple really. There’s a lot of stuff going on, where else are you going to hear about it without putting up with any bullshit?

This site.

We’re starting over, but we’re not changing anything.

Summer Storage
Filed under: Misc.

So you’re pretty much almost finished with finals now, and you totally ruined your GPA (good going loser). The time has come to move out. Yep, you’re leaving the ultimate life of fun in the heavenly city of Austin behind to go back to Denton to hang with your parents and awkward ex-friends from high school. No use lugging your stuff back with you. Here’s a thread with some good tips on summer storage.

Self-Storage Units? [LJ]

More Free Desserts?!?
Filed under: Misc.

If you thought that Ben & Jerry’s crap was as good as it got then you are flat out wrong. What happens when they kick you out of their aforementioned free ice cream carnival for whatever reason? You head on down to your nearest Wendy’s. Because they’re giving out free frosties all weekend long. You can go there right now if you want. Free frosties.

Your Nearest Wendy’s [Wendy’s]

Ben & Jerry Come To Austin
Filed under: Misc.

What would prompt these two ice cream mavens to journey to Austin? A spectacular store-opening celebration including free ice cream, a Vespa giveaway, “celebrity” scoopers, carnival “activities”, and “name” entertainment. What makes this store so special? Well it’s operated by LifeWorks, who apparently puts at-risk kids to work scooping ice cream. What could be a better way to kick off summer than check out a free ice cream carnival featuring Ben and Jerry in the flesh? Did we mention that it’s free? There must be a catch, right? ERROR: Rhetorical question limit exceeded.
Ahem. The event takes place at the Ben & Jerry’s on 5th and Lamar this Sunday, May 14 beginning at noon. Extra parking is available in the AISD lot next door. We don’t mean to be grim, but these two guys eat a lot of ice cream. They’re not really in the best shape. How can we put this? We don’t know how much longer Ben and Jerry have until the ice cream takes its toll. All the more reason to come out and see them. One last time.

More Info [LifeWorks]

Wiener Dog Races
Filed under: Misc.

The emotions that flowed through our body when we saw this video are difficult to describe. We don’t want to oversell it or anything, but we definitely think it is something you should watch. You’re probably wondering why we didn’t give you a heads up on this amazing event. The simple answer is that we greedily kept it to ourselves. Luckily for you the Statesman deployed their multimedia unit to Buda, TX (The Wiener Dog Capital) to capture the fun. Enjoy. (You’ll need Quicktime.)

Buda Wiener Dog Races [Statesman]

Down Syndrome
Filed under: Misc.

So we had a bit of trouble recently. Our server was down for a whole day. But I guess such things are inevitable when you host your site on somebody else’s shit. We just wanted to apologize. Now let’s move on to better times.

Thank you.

Light Up Your Bike Night Ride
Filed under: Misc.

Don’t you hate it when you’re riding your bike around town in the middle of the night and some car barrels down the road and smashes your bones into powder? Well, Killfloor’s under the impression that you were asking for it, but whatevs. The thing is, if you’re going to be pedaling around in darkness you better damn well have some kind of light or reflector. We can’t even start to recall every time we’ve been out for a peaceful midnight drive when some hippy darts out of nowhere on his Schwinn and comes six inches from buying our lawyer a new boat. Thankfully, to raise awareness of fixing lights and reflectors on your bicycle Bikes Across Borders is holding a nocturnal expedition open to anyone who owns a two-wheeler. With a donation to the Biker Down Fund they’ll supply you with your very own bike light or blinky so you can join the ride. Just meet at the parking lot above the canoe rental at Zilker Park at 6:30pm on Friday the 13 (AAHH!) if you want in on the fun. For more info you can contact Bikes Across Borders at 512-385-3695 or shoot them an email.

Event Info [Austinbikecalendar.com]

O. Henry Pun-Off
Filed under: Misc.

Apparently for the past 27 years groups of high school English teachers have been flocking to Austin to participate in what appears to be the largest parley of punsters this town has ever seen. This world championship event pits witty contestants head to head in an attempt to determine the most annoying punniest person in the world. The fun goes down 11AM this Saturday, May 14 at the O. Henry Museum in Brush Square Park, downtown Austin, TX (5th at Neches). They’ll also be having a book sale and silent auction, with the proceeds benefiting the Susanna Dickinson House restoration. Admission is free, and food and drink will be on hand. Just make sure to bring your thesaurus.

Event Info [Punpunpun.com]
Directions [Google Maps]

Goodbye Real World
Filed under: Misc.

Well, its time for the Real World to pack its bags and move out of town. When we think back about the memories we made in the past few months, well, we get a little choked up. Who can forget that time when we saw the whole cast walking down 6th Street with, like, 4 cases of alchohol? Or that other time we walked by the Real World house and yelled profanities at it? Or what about the time that blonde chick and some guy walked by us at SXSW? Wow, its been really fun. The Austin-American Statesman sat down to an exclusive interview with the cast and see the inside of the house (lucky!), and they’ve uncovered some pretty startling revalations. For instance:

“The only difficulty we had was when an Austinite or a cast member had too much to drink,” executive producer Jon Murray says. “When young people drink too much, those few people who tend to be disagreeable are amplified.”

Good God! They sure know how to get the goods down at the Statesman. We’re going to be hanging around the house for the rest of the day… drinking. You can see if anything crazy happens June 21st, when the series airs.

Welcome to ‘The Real World’ [Statesman]

Final Exams
Filed under: Misc.

Killfloor has been on hiatus for the last couple of weeks. The cause? Final exams (and a debilitating addiction to reruns of The West Wing). Its hard not to well up with tears when we think about all of the news we’ve missed: the release of the ACL lineup, the passing of the new smoking ordinance, all of that Ann Coulter shit. Gah!
But thankfully we have returned. The finals are finally finished and the summer can now commence, at least for us. For those of you who are still hitting the books, here’s a link to some tips on how to cram for a test, because if you’re sitting in front of your computer reading blogs then you obviously need some help with your study habits.

How To Cram For A Test [eHow]